Saturday, April 30
i am in a fantastic mood right now. because i feel lightheaded, literally. i said goodbye to about 15 cm of hair. was dreading the final moment as i watched the hairdresser wield her scissors but i eventually swallowed my fears and winced as lock after lock fell... at first she cut a really awful scraggly-ended style but i told her i wanted a neater look so she cut it all off and now my hair is really short. imagine 15 cm above the bra strap at the back. yeah. now i can feel it bounce when i walk. i'm actually fairly happy with it now. shall await everyone's verdict!! =D
going out tmr. YAY!!!!! =D i can't wait to go shopping!!! =D money money money makes the world go round.. as bev says, i love love, but i also love mamon. hahahhahahhahaha.
evil me.
it must've been love.
9:25 pm
xoxo
Friday, April 29
this song makes me want to cry or maybe die. my confession, by josh groban. it's sung so.. emotionally.. maybe i'm just being my usual idiotically intense self, but it really is making me cry now. i hate me.
been reading 'crossing the chopsticks' recently. i like the poem 'why do you eat yourself?'. why do
you eat yourself?
do you hear the whisper in the wind? it's telling me
your name.
i confess, but i confess a lie.
how do i explain
that smile, and how it turns my life around? like the slow blossoming of a flower.. but here today and gone tomorrow.. the laughter in
your eyes.. eyes have no right to possess such light, such life.
i'm glad you're happy, and i'm happy you're glad, but sometimes life is more than a twisting and merging of words. i want my life to fall into place, but i am causing a traffic jam on its highway. i'm scared i'm insecure. isn't that ironic? to even admit it. i need to hear you say you love me. i need you to hug me sometimes, to let me know that you still care. humans are social beings. without your friendship i would fade away and die.
do you know what love is?i wish i could laugh in my own face, but that's physically impossible, now isn't it? if this is me, then who is that girl i see reflected in your gaze? i hope you don't think me strange. you are what you think other people think you are.
i just realised something most people would have figured out years ago, but then i'm slow. oddie from garfield.. oddie -- odd-ie. the odd one, despised, neglected, just plain odd.
it must've been love.
8:28 pm
xoxo
Monday, April 25
i am
sad. :( sad, not points-finger-at-self-sad. yeah. remember how i wanted to name my daughter darryl? guess what. there's this guy in my chinese class who's called darryl! and when i found that out, it absolutely ruined my image of what a darryl should look like. he's not pretty!!! i am very disappointed. :( sigh. maybe i'll go back to naming my daughter rachel or aurora or something. maybe emily? emily is a pretty name too. but darryl for a girl would have been so.. wacky. =D
i am now going to make a new resolution! i will- must- shall! do my homework and study for tests. tadahh.
and i am going to save money. so that i can buy the following:
black jacket for school. phone sock. black rubber band. a comb. a plane ticket to australia so i can visit chris. nah i'm kidding abt the last one. as if i'd be allowed to go. heh.
it must've been love.
9:38 pm
xoxo
Sunday, April 24
left the com running with this song playing.. i wake up for no reason at 3plus am every morning.. even on sats and suns it seems. woke up at 3:14 again.. it might be my witching hour. i thought about things all night long.. restless tossing and turning prevailed.. i remembered my dreams so clearly when i got up.. but now they've escaped from my memory. waiting for my hair to dry so i can leave the house.
it's been hours, seems like days, since you went away.. and i do is check the screen to see if you're okay. you don't answer when i phone, guess you wanna be left alone. so i'm sending you my heart, my soul, and this is what i'll say.. i'm sorry oh so sorry, can't you give me one more chance.. to make it all up to you.. email my heart and say our love will never die.. i know you're out there and i know that you still care.. email me back and say our love will stay alive.. forever, email my heart.. i can see you in my mind, coming on the line and opening this letter that i've sent a hundred times.. here's a picture of us two.. i look so good on you.. and can't you please forgive me for the hurt i put you throught.. i'm sorry oh so sorry, can't you give me one more chance.. to make it up all up to you.. email my heart and say our love will never die.. i know you're out there and i know that you still care.. email me back and say our love wil stay alive.. forever, email my heart. i'm sorry, oh so sorry, can't you give me one more chance to make it all up to you.. --> email my heart, britney spears <--i hate that spears woman, but i like this tune. it's from her very first album i think. she actually has some pretty good tunes if you look past her personality. lame take on modernity thought. heh. email. heh. which reminds me. i've gotta email chris soon. althought she'll take another billion and one years to reply.
she's taking her time thinking of all the reasons to justify all the hurt inside.. guess she knows, by the look in their eyes, everyone's got a theory about the bitter one.. they're saying.. mama never loved her much, and daddy never keeps in touch.. that's why she shies away from human affection.. but somewhere in a private place, she packs her bag for outerspace.. and she's waiting for the right kind of pilot to come.. she's saying.. i would fly to the moon and back.. if you'd be.. if you'd be my baby.. got a ticket for a world where we would belong, so would you be my baby? she can't remember a time when she felt needed.. if love was red then she was colour blind.. all her friends, they'd be tried for treason, and crimes that were never defined.. she's saying.. love's like a barren place, and reaching out for human faith.. is like a journey i just don't have a map for.. so baby gonna take a dive and put the shift to overdrive.. send a signal that she's hanging all her hopes on the stars.. what a pleasant dream.. she's saying.. i would fly to the moon and back.. if you'd be.. if you'd be my baby.. got a ticket for a world where we would belong.. so would you be my baby? --> to the moon and back, savage garden<--take me by the hand and lead me away from here.. somewhere far away.. who cares if it's escapist of us.. who's to say what's right and what's wrong...
it must've been love.
9:42 am
xoxo
Saturday, April 23
it feels stupid to be online, staring at swirls moving across the screen of the windows media player. so i'm appearing offline. hooray now you know my secret. actually i'm just appearing offline. yeah. cos it feels like i can't talk to you. or anyone. and i'm holding back. cos i don't know how much to say. since it's all rubbish. yeah i'm bullshitting. chris called. from australia. we talked for 1 1/2 hours. i hope her bill doesn't die. chris: love you and miss you and wish you were here but we don't know when you're coming back, if ever. this sucks. she mentioned perspectives. i should be like her and go for some mission trip and see how priviliged i really am and all that. instead of dwelling on stupid useless minor details like feelings. gosh. feelings. what are they? they don't matter. they don't feed the hungry and clothe the poor. feelings are just bullshit. which is why i'm not talking to anyone. cos i'm just bullshitting about - bullshit. i'm scared we have nothing to talk about, so i'll appear offline.. so you don't have that option. i'd rather imagine we aren't talking cos you can't msg me online.. than know either of us could start talking but end up with nothing to say.
there's the blackhole of the earth, but there's also the blackhole of the heart.
if i don't get out of this bullshitting mood soon i have to kill myself. i mean it. how come you can't wake yourself up with slapping?
ally: you wrote a poem about cutting. guess what. i don't think you really know what it's about. try asking someone who does.. it's quite different.. sure, it's an art.. but frankly, drawing pictures on your skin with blood.. is like dabbling with the devil.
it must've been love.
11:20 pm
xoxo
tjhtheiohaetha bleaugh
i don't know what's wrong with me anymore. sorry if i blew up at anyone or got irritated or just brushed people aside. i've been thinking a lot. and nothing's ever what it seems anymore. everything's got another meaning.
you never call anymore. and you don't pick up when i call. i guess there are no reasons why. except maybe it's meant to end this way. the locket hangs heavily around my neck. once i scared myself thinking about its implications, that weight pulling from my throat. i told siti, and she agreed i think too much. i mean, just because i feel a weight being lifted off whenever i take the locket off doesn't mean anything.. right? but how come everything these days points to something of that sort? both times in two days we couldn't meet. i didn't tell you this when you msged to say you're going out with someone else, but i actually started crying cos it felt like it was the end of things. seeing those words on the phone screen.. it felt so final. i'm probably being stupid, it doesn't mean a thing, but how come i feel so distant from you now? i open the locket and stare at your face but it doesn't feel like you're near me anymore. you don't always answer my msgs now. you've got a life of your own. everyone does. we're moving apart and it makes me want to scream and smash things, do anything to make time stand still. do anything to get some answers. do you even care about me anymore? do you even think about me, the way i worry about you? we aren't there for each other anymore. i guess you won't even be reading this anytime soon. maybe by the time you do, i'd have done something stupid just for the heck of it, to get some thrill out of life, to feel something and know i'm not dead inside.
well one of us is happy now. i'm happy for her - very very happy, but it makes me feel cold inside sometimes. when i wonder if i'll ever hold happiness in my hands that way. it makes me want to run out there and do something stupid. i'm horribly afraid i'll lose control and say something stupid - do something stupid.. i don't know what to do. but i hope everything turns out all right for her. cos i will honestly kill the person responsible if it doesn't end well.
slept the afternoon away. then watched tv. i don't want to do anything. to hell with hardworking asses who do their work and get the grades. i don't bloody care. why don't you just all go and die? shit. maybe i should. i can't stand looking at all of you. it makes me want to puke. everyone's all happyhappyhappy either that or you're freakin' good at hiding things. i hate the way you lie.
this is my punishment.
the rose you gave me has dried a dark shade of red. but it doesn't crumble. i wish it would. i wish i could count time by the petals falling off. i wish i could set myself a deadline, like the beast. i wish there was someone who could understand. don't pretend to - it's not worth it. and don't say that you're there for me, when you don't know what you're there for.
someone once said i probably live life regretting three quarters of the things i say and do. how true. it's stuck in my head. i can't think of anything i don't regret, at least a little. there is always that tinge of bitterness in my cup, no matter how sweet the liquid. always something to mar perfect happiness.
because i don't believe in perfect happiness for imperfect people.
ever done something just 'cos you were told not to? a rebel without a cause. i'm afraid i'm letting myself think of some things just because i'm told not to. and then when it's all over and done with i'll find out why i was told not to in the first place.
there are no stars in the sky. all rainbows are illusions. why do you believe in them, and follow them to their ends? there are no ends. i don't catch falling stars. i let them hit the ground.
the fire turns to ice and the water evaporates. i can never tell her.
it must've been love.
8:27 pm
xoxo
Thursday, April 21
i have decided to be cheery today! this is not hard because i have just cleared my file!! applause, please! =D
okay the good things first. i had a fantastic lunch with dipsy at the new apple strudel place. so yummy!! =D =D dipsy is so fun to crap with. there were only two of us 'cos the female soccer girls abandoned us. hah. dipsy's in female soccer but she got her gender mixed up and thought she was in male soccer so yeah that's why we had lunch. no larh. actually she had chem in the evening. hahahaha. dipsy's gonna kill me. okay this is what happens when a normally cynical person gets too happy. erh i can't think of any other good things. oh wait i got a really cute sms today! --> do you take me to be your lawfully lovable friend, to have and to hold, for rich quotes or corny jokes, in text messaging or in poor reception, til low batt do us part? <-- hahahahah. i think it's hilarious. erh. i read it out to dipsy who claims she got it long ago and therefore i'm sad case. hiyahh. it seems i'm always sad case. do not comment on this.
bad things - i have to do the gp shit by tmr. and the hist essay. hmm.
i can't decide if i wanna crash rgs tmr. i can't rmb going for any rg campfires. but then the juniors who are going all sound so... erhhh. no fun. dunno larh. maybe i'll go home and sleep. hee.
see i managed a cheery post! =D i had better end here before my euphoria fades.
it must've been love.
8:20 pm
xoxo
Wednesday, April 20
You are a
Mermaid, who sits on a rock in
the sea, looking and watching all humanity with
curiosity in your eyes. You have a two-sided
personality! On one hand, you revel in your
freedom and often prefer to live in your own
private dreams.
On the other hand, humanity
intrigues you and you love watching on. You are
actually very kind at heart, hating to see
people hurt and despise injustice! You probably
have one or two special friends, who mean the
world to you!
Also; you are probably quite
political, wanting to see justice done in the
world.
You are quite the dreamer, needing
freedom and personal space to dream your little
dreams. You love to escape into a book or some
good music and just drift away.
Some of your
good points are that you are sensitive,
compassionate and a freethinker. Your bad
points are that you may come across as cool and
aloof to others and probably have a tendency to
depression!
You are the ultimate dreamer with
a kind, but troubled heart!
Are you a Princess, Enchantress, Faerie, Mermaid or Toad? (with pictures!)
brought to you by
it must've been love.
8:10 pm
xoxo
i'm sad. :( drowned my sorrows in a tub of ben and jerry's, but i guess my sorrows are un-drownable. it's quite sad to see everyone's dreams coming true, and knowing that yours can never be. i know why they aren't, but i'm such a stubborn mule i don't want to change the situation.. yet.
on the phone for hours at a time.. has your voice changed, or is it a trick of the line? all alone, i'm losing my mind, wondering what you'll be doing tonight. i still feel you holding me, clear as the day we said goodbye. words can change so easily, when they cross a million miles. hand on your heart, heart on your sleeve.. are you telling me, when we're apart you still believe we are meant to be? even if you say the words you know i long to hear, i wanna be sure, so tell me once more, hand on your heart.. losing sleep, can't take anymore.. tired of wondering if you really miss me at all.. i just need to be reassured. if you love me, what're you waiting for? i still feel you holding me, clear as the day we said goodbye. memories fade so easily, but am i still in yours like you're in mine? hand on your heart, heart on your sleeve.. are you telling me.. when we're apart you still believe.. we are meant to be. even if you say the words you know i long to hear, i wanna be sure, so tell me once more, hand on your heart. i still feel you holding me.. telling me love will always be.. don't know if i can wait.. until i see your face.. i need you to tell me.. hand on your heart, heart on your sleeve.. are you telling me, when we're apart you still belive we are meant to be.. tell me please.. hand on your heart.. are you telling me when we're apart you still believe we are meant to be.. even if you say the words you know i long to hear, i wanna be sure, so tell me once more.. hand on your heart. --steps--
i don't know how to say this, and maybe i shouldn't. not now, not yet, maybe not ever. it's not in my place. but i could shoot myself. i could have had something, but i let it slip through my fingers and now i have nothing at all. how odd, that i should think of it now. i never did before. and no one has any clue what i'm talking about. har. every day i detest me more and more. i scared someone playing with my penknife today. i wasn't even doing anything much. just flicking it about during pw.
econs was screwed. who gives a damn.
i've got piano soon. i'm scared for the block test in july cos my econs is screwed. hc math is apparently very very hard. there's a hell lotta history. lit is - well. there are so many people better than me. and the whole of june seems to be taken up with camps and courses and well - cca. some juniors have been telling me they want to do testwork during june, after their midyears.. and i can't say no, because i'm the damned ya. i can't very well say ohh i need to study for my own exams, they're 20% of my promo marks. i wonder about sa and sr. if mich's and sam's block tests aren't counted then they'd better take over. sigh. rj's block tests don't count. i feel so insecure, i'm still trying to get used to hist and econs... and honestly, i suck at econs. i should have done bio chem lit math. too late now. they're all right, somehow. who does arts when her sciences were straight a's and her humance wasn't?
it must've been love.
4:17 pm
xoxo
Tuesday, April 19
hohoho. econs timed assgt tmr. stayed back to discuss with some people. sigh. i realise i know nothing about econs. and i'm still sitting here shaking leg.. refuse to crack open the book. i think i'll go to sleep soon.
you may say i'm fickle or superficial or whatever, and quite a lot of people do.. because i only seem to fancy people for their hair or cheekbones or eyes. har har. actually i'm scared to get to know them. in case i end up liking them for themselves. wouldn't that be terrible? you can forget a person when the beauty fades, but characters last forever. har har. scared to like someone for who she is. it's different with looks, you know. eyecandy is eyecandy. you can have more than one. hah. or maybe i'm just finding excuses and i really am as superficial as i feel. damnit. fade away..
oh. she speaks really fast. like me! =D in fact she talks alot like me. ah well. i'm sure she's a nice person.
napfa sucked. no futher elaboration needed.
i really am dead for econs.
why am i so random?
i'm staring at myself in the mirror. no wait i was staring into the mirror a while ago. now i've thrown the stupid thing across the table. i hate my own reflection. so ugly. pah. i could see every flaw. there were so many. i see the scar on my eye where a classmate stabbed me with a pencil in primary 1. some things never fade.
realised something out of the blue just now. why i hate guys so much. other girls say ohh i hate all guys except my dad. i used to say that, but then i examined what it actually meant. guess what. i don't even know my dad. i mean i know who he is, but i don't know
who he is. he's never around. doesn't know anything about me. wants me to be a lawyer. used to cane me really really hard when i was little. never let me be rude to my mum. but he's never around. even when he is, he's at the computer or watching the telly. what kind of father is that? he doesn't joke around the way my friends' fathers do. he doesn't talk to me, doesn't know the slightest thing about me. he has no idea how messed up i've been for the past few years. he'd probably go all judgemental and holier-than-thou on me. the elder in the church. i don't know him. i guess i don't have a father. does this make any sense? don't judge me. i hate being judged, i do it enough myself. maybe this is why i hate guys. i survive just fine without any. in fact i more than survive. i live. i'm happy. so don't go all judgemental on me.
it's ten o'clock. pw proposal due tmr. econs essay. i know nuts about econs. i don't feel myself giving a damn. i said something last night, for no rhyme or reason. i just felt like it. typed it out in an sms, and sent it out randomly. a half truth is a lie, and a half lie can be a truth. so where does the truth lie? you answer me, why don't you. no one ever answers me. in the course of a lifetime, what would this matter?
we're all dysfunctional, somehow. we just pretend we aren't. trying to live a life so normal, repressing all absurdities inside. you think i'm mad, don't you? maybe i am. a raving madwoman. i rant a lot.
migraines. blood pulsing in my head, throbbing in my temples. it gets hard to breathe, hard to stay awake, hard to stay rational. hard to be forgiving.
we three talk about lesbianism and poetry a lot in school. too much, it seems. it would not bode well for us if people were to think we take more than a mere faghag or artsy fartsy look at things. well. the two of them do. i take it both ways. implications. you could drown in poetry, it's so deep. the many levels. you could get caught in between. you could become convinced.. that nothing's right and nothing's wrong.. it's all grey.. grey as the sky we live under..
randomness. stream of consciousness. i dreamed a dream in days gone by..
why woud you offer more?
fire.
do you know who you are? i don't think i know who i am. all of me. only maybe the obvious bits. the bits people notice and tell me, and the bits i feel inside. but what about the bits that are yet to be discovered, yet to be unearthed by new acquaintances? i guess i don't know me.
any more than i know you.
ahh we all lie so much. one day i'm going to stop believing.
but really, it's all nothing but teenage angst. i'll grow up normal. i'll marry [ a guy] and have three kids and a dog. i'll call my daughters darryl, may and joy and i won't have any sons. i'll call my dog pooky. i'll probably be a lawyer like my parents want, or a kindergarten school teacher. i won't remember any of this. i'll be sane. completely, completely straight and too cool to care. i'll never cry over tragic books, i'll never obsess over swoony songs. in other words, i'll be normal.
to hell with econs and pw, i'm gonna sleep now and wake up early to mug econs.
i'm rotting to the core.
it must've been love.
9:45 pm
xoxo
Monday, April 18
the taste of regret always lingers bitter in my mouth. love hopes where reason would despair, j'aime et j'espere. i always tell people i know what i'm doing. i hope i do. staring at the sky. it's kinda cloudy. it's been so long since i've heard from chris. i guess she'll be staring at the same night sky in nepal. and i still remember that book.. and its poem.. in the mists of time..
true love, like ghosts, is often talked about.
yet only few have little doubt
that either one on earth exists.
so i am blessed, for in the mists
of time, i have found you.
mere words cannot express the joy
that even time cannot destroy -
the depth, the passion that i feel.
yet earthly death has dared to steal
your body from my soul.
i cannot rest - life's lost its thrill.
i need you back; i'll fight, i'll kill!
i'll battle death and travel time
for mere existence is a crime.
dear God, please, take me too!the past dissolves into the now
i take the chance, will fate allow
the two of us to meet again?
but oh if so, no matter when,
your love i shall extol!
past life and death i shall transcend
to search for you til heaven's end.
at first, he's someone i don't know
until within his eyes... that glow...
i recognise - He's You!
how odd my memory is. i remember the whole poem by heart. but ask me any math formula or the year that vietnam was made independant, and i'll stare at you blankly. how odd my life has become. i used to condemn anything that was different, but now i strive to break away from the mainstream. fairytales - what are they to me? nothing but lies. they don't come true, you know. the twisted, the strange, the abnormal are more fascinating in their very twistedness. take a love and spin it around twice - see what you get. a hate, at best. twisted love at worst. sometimes homosexuality. sometimes an asexual being. cruelly fascinating. you learn something new everyday. today i learn that gay poetry is actually available here.. and that oscar wilde was gay. i always found his tales a little dark and troubling.. i used to shy away from anything that troubled my mind.. but in recent years i've sought to see how far humanity can go. see how far we can twist what God made perfect.. and let me say, we've twisted perfection a hell lot. freud freud freud. sometimes i think he's ridiculous in his theories. other times i acknowledge their truth, their worth. i scare myself with my own thoughts and their implications. do you ever second guess yourself, and your motives? i speak without thinking. and hurt a lot of people. i never used to care. i still don't, not really, unless i care for the person. i'm evil that way. stone me, why don't you? but these past years.. i've been thinking about things.. and i've realised.. nothing is straightcut. we all grow up on fairytales - a knight, a dragon, a damsel in distress. guess what. some knights are pretty and some dragons are afraid of fire. go figure.
i don't mean to scare anyone. i know my writing depresses some people. if you can't take it, don't read okay? i'll tell when i write something happy. til then, because this is the person i have become, i will wish you a good night and laugh cynically because nights are never good now. ask me no questions, and i'll tell you no lies..
ooh! on a cheery note - i'm gonna adopt a girl when i grow up, and i'm going to call her darryl. isn't it a pretty name? think malory towers. wait, is that how you spell darryl? whatever it is, i'm so attracted to that name, i suspect i'll fall for any tom, dick or shelly with that name. har har. pah.
it must've been love.
10:17 pm
xoxo
Sunday, April 17
this is how you make me feel:
lost
empty
hollow
dark
toxic
like my heart took a dive
like a child crying in the night
like a stuffed toy with a button eye missing
warm
fulfilled
fuzzy inside
giggly like we're high on chocolates
like smiling from end to end
like i've found the pot of leprechaun gold
like sunshine and flowers
fire
water
ice
this is how i make me feel
it must've been love.
9:03 pm
xoxo
these few days have been rather odd. they say we learn something from each and every day. i try to, but sometimes it's easier to wait for each sunset and hope the next sunrise will bring a better day.
friday - forced to support the hwachong water polo team. let's say that sports never interested me. anyhow, when mari and i saw the ac team praying, we said ahh ac's gonna win, God's on their side. thought ac was too cocky, but maybe it's cos they lost horribly to hc the first time 'round. was msging 3 ppl while walking out of smu, when i turned around and realised
she was there. then i started smiling like crazy.. and candy was like 'wah lao who're you msging man.. smile until like that!' but the thing is, i wasn't smiling because of the msgs. it was cos of - her. anyway they overtook us, because we were moving at the usual a11 speed, ie slow enough to watch the snails race by, as aman said once. sighh. alas, woe is me, alack! screw it all. anyhow, met jean and she joined us for dinner at black canyon. yummy tom yum. hee.
sat - had chinese tuition in the morning. she helped me with my chinese essay, so boo to su min and marian, whom i know will have hell trying to rush out the essay a few months from now when mr ngoi starts chasing them for hwk. har har. slap me. met alisa. i learnt some very interesting things that i never knew before. honestly. i. am. so.
blur. i had
no idea at all! honestly! needless to say, my eyes nearly popped out of their sockets upon hearing some news. hehhh. oh, and this is the part that i'm going to state here so all the ex-pls with whom i have bets can take note and pay up as previously agreed. remember the bet where the first one of us to reject a guy [why guy? why not girl? we can't always say, can we?] gets a treat from the rest? well, i recieved a call in the afternoon. pretty hilarious. here's what happened:
guy: hey is that mello? this is -----
me: hello? hello? what? [didn't know why the hell the bugger was calling]
guy: erh. do you want to go out? [i thought he meant the class was having an outing or reunion or whatever]
me: when?
guy: now. [and then i thought the class was already out! and meeting without me! and i was just about to get offended and huffy!]
me: oh. no. i've got something on tonight. [anne of green gables]
guy: just kidding.
and then he hung up!! and i was so angry! like hello how can you hang up on me?? and didn't even explain himself! hmmphh! and then i told jean and jan when i met them for anne. and they couldn't stop laughing. i think they nearly keeled over and rolled down the escalator. but they think it counts as rejection, so yeah, ex-pls, show me the moneyyy. i mean i rejected his offer to go out, heaven knows for what reason, but it doesn't matter, it's literally rejection. i don't mind a pizza or marche treat. ;) as for my new classmates, don't bother asking who the bugger is.
anne of green gables. heavens! the girls were so dressed up, i thought i'd walked into a hotel staging a prom by mistake. styled hair [ none as nice as peiyi's used to be], makeup and fancy clothes galore! hehh. saw some girls putting on makeup in the toilet. they looked like perfect imitations of clowns, with two pink circles on their cheeks. jean said, 'did you see the makeup box in the toilet??'. i said, 'did you see the makeup box on their faces??'. it was that bad, yes. the musical was fine. jenani, however you spell her name, sings very well. but then we already knew that. she acts very well too. the pe teacher who played matthew can act. heh. marilla couldn't sing. josie could act and sing. gilbert was okay, i didn't like the way he showed his affection for anne so openly. diana was okay. yeah. didn't really run into anyone. i don't know if i'm relieved or disappointed.
today - crossed the road in a very odd manner. the traffic light was red. i started walking across. and i was like hmm this doesn't seem right. then halfway across, i realised something of utmost importance. you're supposed to cross the road when the
green man is showing, not red. ah, what great enlightenment! i hurried back across, looking like a fool. sigh. how sanity tends to leave us, along with common sense. i don't know what i was thinking of. and there was no one remotely good looking across the road, before anyone ventures to ask. heh. then we celebrated my new maid's birthday. we got her a cake and present. and i bought her chocolates. she's only 22, so we just call her mary. when we brought out the cake and started singing happy birthday she started to cry. makes me wonder how many things i take for granted. maybe that's why i stayed downstairs to play the piano instead of holing myself up straightaway. as i am doing now. music blaring. watching the second hand of the clock move slowly across its face. knowing my homework waits to be done. there are some things more important than studies. i feel its truth at night, but in the morning when i face the wrath of my teachers, my courage flees.
reality's a death sentence. black black heart..
it must've been love.
8:28 pm
xoxo
Wednesday, April 13
i. am. so. annoyed. like for heaven's sake, shut up already. which sane parent blames the kid for falling sick? is it my fault i am allergic to her school? is it my fault that my condition dictates that i am suceptible to colds and flues? apparently it is - ' see, you hardly eat at dinner, no wonder you're always sick' [ i eat after school, since my breaks are so irregular, if you don't like that, tell the administration then, why tell me? like i can eat in class.] ' you didn't take your supplements again! that's why you're always sick!' [
always is a bit of an exaggeration, no?] ' you should stop giving tuition! then you won't always be sick.' [ i can earn my own money, thank you very much.] and then when i mention i asked for a new course of painkillers, she demands to know why i am still having migraines. like. maybe it's because i still have fibromyalgia, and it never went away? ever thought of that? that i'm not making myself have migraines. i'm not making myself throw up. i'm not making myself catch colds. or scar easily. and take forever to heal. maybe it's because i have a condition. that maybe, isn't going away not because i'm willing it to stay, but because there's no known cure? ever thought that maybe i don't want it either? i feel tired too okay. so very very fatigued. bending over in lecture is a pain, literally. walking too fast makes me nauseous. i sleep a gazillion number of hours a day and still fall asleep in lecture. i hyperventilate a lot. it's not such a game for me either okay. just leave me alone.
despite my everlasting whining, i did have fun today after school with mari and dipsy. ate at balmoral.. ate a
lot at that. hee. thanks for the afternoon yeah? tons of fun. :) my gosh we ate so muchhh. okay i should study for the test i didn't take yesterday. sigh. i wish i were like other people. how fun and carefree it would be. overeat and not care about what happens after that. stay out all night and not worry about a migraine the next day. run in the rain without the fear of catching a cold in an hour. maybe join badrec like they're always telling me to. whacking the shuttlecocks past each others faces. but i'm scared of the pain, of the fatigue that comes after it. i'm supposed to exercise, but i'm not sure where's the limit. so tired. gotta read through indigenous collaboration.
missing ya. but i guess i'll see you on friday, at anne of green gables. i'll hang on til then. i promise not to die. promise me you'll hang on too. :) love ya right up to the moon and back. xoxo
it must've been love.
8:44 pm
xoxo
Tuesday, April 12
finally i know what it is that ails me so, that sickens me to such a great extent monthly and worsens my condition, such that brain-suffocating migraines are a daily occurance. it's not just that i'm allergic to hwachong. i'm also suffering from withdrawal symptoms.. from 4e6 '04.
nothing against my classmates, in general. nothing against the school, i guess, since my claim that it's red is often rebutted by pointing out that it's really brown. what the bleep, who said i care any more for the dull colour brown? i'm anti-communist, but i guess the school practices democracy to a certain extent. it's cheena, but which jc besides the supposedly oh-so-cold rj isn't? it's near st. marg's. big plus point. near home too. even bigger plus point. let's not go into negatives.
but nothing can ever beat 4/6. even if my new class were relatively okay, it still wouldn't feel the same. something in me holds me back from asking favours, from reaching out to them. i don't want intrude into other people's private space. currently taking a break from highlighting econs notes for the test tmr. there were so many classmates. i could have asked anyone to tell me what goes into the blanks i didn't fill in during lecture. but i picked up the phone and called jan from memory. odd, isn't it, how some things never fade. i remember all of yours'. years of practice, i guess. and the odd thing is, no matter how busy jan was or could have been, i knew she genuinely didn't mind helping me.. she didn't even feel impatient or tried to hurry me when i wrote so slowly and was apparently hard of hearing. =) thanks so much, jan.
3/4 way through jane eyre. it makes me want to cry and die by parts. sigh. and not just because it's so thick it took me the whole morning and afternoon to get that far. sigh. i wish i could write like charlotte bronte. and the conversations she has with mr rochester! how odd it is, that the style should be so familiar. they remind of how things used to be, between myself and someone else. maybe more than just one person. but ah. wit is a word often used carelessly by people. but what, exactly, is wit? and why do people long so much to attain it, to use it? i love witty people. but i can't define wit, or at least not now. i guess i know wit when i see it.
it must've been love.
9:40 pm
xoxo
Saturday, April 9
freaking pissed at myself. i forgot to send out the prayer request form this week. damned smart right? i should have sent it out on thursday night. it's now sat night. shit larh. i'm so screwed. how can anyone make such a mistake?? how downright stupid am i? i mean okay fine maybe if i screw up in school it's not so bad. but this is church! how can i screw it up by so many days? so what if i've been out til late every night. and barely having time to get hwk done. i've got too many things on. i need to quit something. but i don't know what.
we're getting a maid. so chores can be struck from my list of to-do's. even so, i think i'm going crazy. essays essays and more essays. finish reading the lit books. somehow get chinese hwk done. gp hwk. math hwk. econs. study for econs test. hist test. math test. pw starting. prayer committee stuff. and now they're expanding our duties. okay so other people have lives too. i'm the youngest member, i should have the least to do. i feel awful even contemplating quitting. this shouldn't be the way. what happened to duty before self? but where do the various duties end off and where do they overtake each other? teaching sunday school. planning open sunday worhsip. playing the piano during open sunday worship. guides. piano lessons. tuition. spending quality time with friends. and we were talking about starting a christian thing. sighhhh.
they say once you put God as your anchor, everything falls into place. but i don't see how. put God as my anchor. then i'd have to quit guides. quit ya. continue with my service in church. but i don't think God is all about the church. only. or even if the church is all about God. come on, i don't wanna fake it, we all know some stuff that goes on isn't all that Godly. face it. i'm in this desperately mean mood. frank, maybe. what if i'm supposed to serve God as a ya? and as for all the schoolwork.. when i hear abt how happily slack all the other jcs are i get this odd feeling of resentment. i never meant to stay on in hc. sure, once upon a december i wanted to go to hc. it's a good sch. good teachers, good notes, supposedly smart students providing a good studying atmoshphere. bullshit. it's nearby. near st marg's too. the epitome of convenience. but after pae i wanted sa. the christian environment. non communist, non cheena. my mother wouldn't let me put it as my first choice. so obviously i had to stay on in hc since i got posted there. bahh. good notes i guess. stressful i guess. everyone else still having make up classes and no essays blah blah blah yadda yadda i don't see any reason at all in any of this. i guess i will later on. nothing makes sense now. bitter. resentful. smouldering anger.
but how come it seems like when i ask for divine help, none comes?
it must've been love.
11:25 pm
xoxo
it's a warm night but i'm shivering. funny, i didn't feel this empty inside just now.. but now that i'm home and sitting at my desk.. that hollowness creeps back in. maybe it would be more accurate to say that i feel like all i call myself is seeping out. i thought i was over this stage. apparently not.
you don't know what you're missing til it arrives, or what you've got til you lose it. i guess you can't lose a friendship cos it never leaves your heart. but the bittersweetness was overwhelming just now. when i sat where chris and i used to sit at the woodlands library. ate the fish and chips meal. they were having the offer again. i missed her so much. like this heaviness in my heart. i picked my phone up, wanted to send her a msg.. and realised that i can't very well msg australia. sigh. chris. do you ever think of us? maybe not, you don't have all these places to haunt you. i'm going back tomorrow. you're in nepal now, aren't you? is the night sky very clear there, are the stars very bright? i get so cold when i remember that we're all separated now. jan's in another class. the rest of us are worlds apart.
class bbq was fine. watched love me if you dare. i am emotionally scarred for life and i'll never be able to have a normal relationship again. not that i ever did, if you think about it. have a relationship, much less a normal one.
that kind of relationship i mean. a romantic one. hell, i'm such an intense person. i hate and love with all i am. i hope i never fall in love. the kind of love that takes you by the throat and never lets go? the kind of love that some character in a book had. that ran in the family. i honestly can't recall who it is now. i shall think a bit more. it's not emily of new moon. although she was an extremely intense person too if i recall correctly. shit what's wrong with my brain. why can't i remember.. gahhhh.
it must've been love.
10:04 pm
xoxo
Wednesday, April 6
tired. exhausted. dead beat. fatigued. press shift F7 to find how more about how i feel at this present moment. thanks, huiying and mari for teaching me about shift F7 which is a thesaurus, if you didn't know. well now i do, and i find it really handy for copying history essays. waiting for my piano teacher to come. can't be bothered to practice. really just too tired, etc.
okay finished piano. i can't stand myself. i couldn't pry open a container cos i didn't have enough energy. maybe it was all the banging on the piano. my first piece is super loud for about 4 pages. bahh. well now i have a bit more energy to bang on the computer keyboard after eating, so yayness.
school is fine. one could get used to anything.. rushing work feels rather familiar.. mm. really don't know what's so tiring about school. except the strain of being me, i guess. how ironic. wonder if i'd be coping better in science. perhaps not. sometimes it feels like jan and i are worlds apart, when i'm in class. don't see her face, don't hear her voice.. haha. so the only worlds we share are those before and after school. how depressing.
i don't like
her anymore. i know i've made and broken a million resolutions from the start of the year til now, but honestly i can't like her anymore, because of her ridiculously boring hair. maybe she just doesn't have the guts to face up to the scrutiny her funky hair opened her up to. besides, she has this odd way of standing and walking with her shoulders pulled up a bit, which can be read as insecurity/ low self esteem. maybe she's embarrassed of her height or something. see what life does to one - we judge others at a glance, based on how they carry themselves. i know everyone thinks i'm arrogant, yadda yadda gimme a break maybe it's true yes no maybe so maybe i don't care. anyway bottom line is all i admired was her hair, and now it's gone so yes everyone please rejoice i don't like her anymore. although i think her legs are very nice and it's very distracting to have her crossing her legs in lecture with her super short hc skirt.. i'm incredibly jealous!! how can anyone have such nice legs? very very envious. sigh. and now all her friends [ie aman i guess] are gonna smack my face for dissing her new hair style and posture. but i am still certain that she is a perfectly nice person and would make a perfectly nice friend. yaddaaa. i need new eyecandy.
waiting for my favourite song.. and when it plays i sing along; it makes me smile. those were such happy times, and not so long ago. how i wonder where they've gone. recognise this? har har. every sha la la la la, every whoa whoa whoa still shines. every shing a ling a ling that they're starting to sing so fine.. when they get to the part when he's breaking her heart, it can really make me cry.. just like before.. it's yesterday once more.
why when
he's breaking her heart? not fair, this is a sexist song,
she must break his heart. muahaha. so much has changed, and yet one thing never will - my love for all of you, 4/6 and st. marg's. yay!! =D
stupid jean isn't calling yet. :( forever will have come and gone by the time she realises 10 mins are up and she's supposed to call!!! van, i miss your voice. tempted to just pick up the phone and say hi van, i miss you and i love you. but maybe you're at ballet. jan. i know you're busy. but reply my love letter okay? ;) jk. gen - i miss teasing you. my hammie.. hee. hope you're just fine. chris. i miss you a little, a little too much, a little too often, and a little more everyday. but still i miss you and that's never gonna change. and oh. i never stopped loving you, friend of my heart. :) bev - you're so grown up now, wearing makeup and all. so pretty. yet somehow you'll always be the girl i argued with and had a cold war with because we're all such proud arses. ally - fellow song addict and twin of my soul. if it's true that we feel the same things, then i hope you're happier now. serene - hey buddybuddy. i do love you, you know, although i don't really show it. thanks for msging me every day and keeping me company in an odd way through the day.. i will always be right here waiting.. sisters forever. da happening back row - i miss our laughter. so spontaneous. joan singing her jay chou songs. never thought i'd say this, but i do miss her. a lot. miss boss. she's so nice and comfortable to hug, so comforting and assuring to know she's there. huishann. claims she's just pretending to be blur. yeah right. hee. sitiiiii. i see you every week, yay. you've always been such a great friend. i know you really love our class and the coy. :) guides rocks, yay! haha. all right got to stop here.
j'aime et j'espere
it must've been love.
6:20 pm
xoxo
Sunday, April 3
not sure i should talk about last night. let's just say that i'm very very tired. which is why i'm not in church right now. eating lunch. have had nothing since 1plus yesterday except a bite of cake. typical life of senior. the sec1s and 2 are very spoilt and whiny. with few exceptions. few meaning about one or two. we shall see. sam, mich and i left the UH thing early on an impulse. we were talking about how they might not be able to handle it on their own when we got a msg from mellie abt gan eng seng backing out and how she wanted them [ie sam and mich] to dance. so yeah we talked to the person in charge and got our butts out. i'm getting better at sweet talking. someone [either weiyi or winnie the red cross girl] said i should be a lawyer. but it was weiyi who said that it's cos i can talk a lot. i feel distinctly insulted because she made that yakkaty movement with her hands. but hey my talking a lot got us quite far yesterday okay.. the thought of it still scares me.
history essays due. sleepy. tired. waiting for siti to call so i can explain what went on while she was at her malay thing. at the UH thing yesterday my groupmate suddenly asked 'can i ask you a very personal question?' and i thought, oh no, don't ask if i'm chinese, don't ask if i'm chinese.. but i was like yeah okay.. then she said, 'do you have a boyfriend?' wahhahaha. now
that question i can handle. she was pretty shocked when i said no, cos she said i've got the kind of look guys go for.. the meimei kinda face. i was pretty shocked but i guess it's better than being told once again i don't look pure chinese. i guess i just need to outgrow it. both my parents went through it. sigh. i am gonna marry an indian. ;) jk.
it must've been love.
12:45 pm
xoxo
